Dear God, Thanks for Giving Me Cancer

"Though You slay me,
Yet I will praise You.
Though You take from me,
I will bless Your name."

[shane + shane]

Have you ever looked back on a year and thought to yourself, "Man. That was a crappy year"? Well, for me, that was 2012. From January to March I experienced symptoms from a disease I didn't know I had. At the end of March we found out it was cancer. We spent the next 6 months traveling to Hopkins for an intensive round of chemotherapy every other week. And on the non-treatment days we still went to Hopkins for blood work and doctors visits. Then, from October to December I was recovering and gaining back my energy and strength. If there was one word to sum up the year of 2012, it would be "cancer."

If I were to look back on the year of 2014, the one word I would use to describe the year would be "death." Some of the deaths personally affected me and my family, others affected close friends of ours, and others just made me question the sovereignty of God and why bad things happen.

Car accident involving middle school and high school students.

Cancer.

Brain Tumors.

Car accident leaving a 4th grader in a hospital with weeks of physical therapy.

Miscarriages.

Drunk driving car accident.

Stroke.

Cardiac Arrest. 

Heart Failure.

Plane crash into a house killing 3 passengers and a mom with 2 young children.

Death.

Let's be honest, suffering sucks and doesn't make sense. According to scripture, suffering began when Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:23-24). Human beings were not created to experience death, pain, grief, disappointment, ruptured relationships, disease. We were created to live in paradise. And with the hope of heaven, one day we will. 

There is a fine line between the difference sovereignty of God and the will of God. Yes, as a Christian I know that God is sovereign over everything, but is it in God's will, God's plan, for a sophomore in high school to die in a car accident? I think the important thing to understand is that suffering is both just and unjust. God is also both a sovereign and a suffering God. 

My famous friend Tim Keller once wrote that, "Jesus' suffering and death was a great act of injustice, but it was also part of the set plan of God." God is the sovereign ruler over all the world. But the same sovereign God, sent Jesus to earth to become a human so that he would die a cruel death on a cross for the redemption of His people. If Jesus hadn't taken our place on the cross, enduring the wrath of God, there would be no hope of heaven. See, God's plan might include bad things, but ultimately there are no accidents.

Instead of focusing on the sufferings of 2014, I am choosing to look back on this year and remember the good things God has done.

Operation Bunny Bunny

In January some friends and other members of my church, hopped on a plane and went on a top secret mission to a land where everything was covered in honey and flowed of freshly squeezed pomegranate juice on every corner.

Met new friends who became family

In May, I met a group of new friends. They are mostly all college-age students, from a variety of different churches in the area, who are on fire for Jesus. Memorial Day weekend, 60+ people crammed in two beach houses in Nags Head and the rest was history. Now, I can't imagine my life without knowing these people.

Dominican Republic

Being on the youth administrative team for my church, I was able to travel with a team of youthlings to the Dominican Republic for a missions trip and some site seeing. We spent a week in Santiago partnering with a local church doing Vacation Bible School lessons for street kids and in neighborhoods near families from the church. Every day we were exhausted, and the language barrier didn't help. But every day we experienced God's grace and blessing in ways that we couldn't have imagined. We saw young kids give their lives to God, ask deep questions about faith, and were able to plant Gospel seeds in Santiago. Within a week, acquaintances from the local church soon became dear friends who we will never forget.

the daily game of "how many people can we fit in a van?"

best VBS group ever

dominican son

Engagements + Weddings

This was definitely the year of engagements and weddings. As Carrie Underwood would say, "there must have been something in the water." But seriously. Next year is going to be awesome. 

So, why the title "Dear God, Thanks for Giving Me Cancer"? Well, in April one of my dear friends found out she had a cancerous brain tumor. She has had a few surgeries and will have to undergo chemo treatments. But a few months ago, after finding out some not so good news from the doctor, she came up to me and said, "You know Andi, you're the one that has kept me going through this time. Knowing that you made it through cancer helps me at every doctors appointment and every blood transfusion."

I don't tell you this story to make much of myself. But I tell you this story to show the power of God working through suffering. It's taken me 2 1/2 years to understand why God gave me cancer. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. But I do know that in the midst of trials and suffering, God is doing something good and there is always something to be thankful for. 

You may have had a crappy year just like me. But I encourage you to look back on this year with gratefulness and thankfulness and remember all the blessings God has given you. "Though You slay me, yet I will praise You. Though You take from me, I will bless Your name." And maybe one day you will look back on your trials and say, "Dear God, thanks for ______" despite how painful your suffering was. Why? Because God is more powerful than cancer, death, and suffering.

"Nothing Lit Up"

"Standing on this mountaintop,
Looking just how far we've come.
Knowing that for every step,
You were with us."
[matt.redman]

I remember it was a Wednesday. I was laying in my parent's bed feeling sick and nauseous. 

I was a third of the way done with treatment and had just completed my first PET scan a few days before. For the PET scan they injected me with radiation sugar and I had the privilege of drinking nasty contrast. I sat for an hour and a half, in complete darkness, and allowed the radiation sugar to do it's work. The doctors explained to my uneducated medical brain that if there were any cancer cells in my body, the radiation sugar would gravitate to it. And when I had the actually scan, the active cancer cells would light up like a christmas tree.

As I was laying in my parent's bed my mom's phone rang.

"Andi. It's the doctor."

"Hello?"

"Hi Andi. It's Doctor K. I just wanted to call and let you know that we got the results from your PET scan. Nothing lit up and it looks like the tumor has shrunk."

She continued to explain that I would still have to continue treatment because it was just like taking antibiotics for a cold - even though you feel better, you have to finish out the prescription. We hung up the phone and the tears of gratefulness started to pour. My mom immediately called my dad and other family members and I started texting friends. 

I knew that because I had to still continue treatments I wasn't in complete remission yet. But that doesn't really matter. I will always remember this day as the day that God healed me. In less than 2 months of intense chemo and sickness, it was God that removed all active cancer cells from my body. Not just some of them, all of them. 

It's difficult to understand why God allows some to be healed while others fight until their last breath. It doesn't make sense to me that God would heal me. But honestly, I don't think I will ever understand God's plan this side of eternity. What good does it do for me to question the way God works? Instead, it is better to be grateful for what God has given me and use my life serving Him and loving others.

"Why dost thou worry thyself? What use can thy fretting serve? Thou art on board a vessel which thou couldst not steer even if the great Captain put thee at the helm, of which thou couldst not so much as reef a sail. Yet thou worriest as if thou wert captain and helmsman. Oh, be quiet; God is Master!" [streams in the desert]

Looking back on the past two years, if there was one thing to emphasize, I would remind you that God never leaves us. Sure. Those of us who have grown up in a Christian home know the right thing to say during trials is to "not worry. God has a plan and he will never leave you." Well speaking from experience, it is definitely harder to believe that when you are walking through a trial.

But the truth is that never once will God leave you on your own. Never once will he leave you to walk your trial alone. Even when your days seem dark and without hope and you might not be able to "see" God or feel His presence, He is always with you, guiding you, every step of the way.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." _Deuteronomy 31:8

New Year = New You

"And if I should live or die
Let me be found pursuing this prize
The One that alone satisfies
The treasure of Jesus."
[steven.curtis.chapman]

Although I am a bit late to join the bandwagon of "New Year's blog posts," here we go.

New Year's Eve has always been about gathering with family and friends, remembering everything that happened the previous year, counting your blessings, and anticipating what the next year has in store for you. With another year also brings a new round of anticipated New Year's resolutions we won't keep, despite how hard we try. Resolutions range from wanting to lose weight, go to the gym multiple times a week, get a 4.0 GPA, clean out your house, give money to the needy, or serve more in your local church. All of these are excellent temporary resolutions. But in reality, all of our earthy possessions and resolutions will one day be no more.

That is why my "New Year's resolution" is simple: to treasure Jesus.

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I might gain Christ and be found in him." _Philippians 3:7-8

Treasuring Jesus means seeing the surpassing greatness of Jesus Christ over everything else - over relationships, over money, over the perfect body, over everything. When you treasure Jesus you are denying yourself and no longer living for yourself, but living for Jesus. You are surrendering everything for Christ - no strings attached - because seeking and savoring Jesus is your greatest pleasure.

Am I a sinful human? Yes. 
Will I fail at treasuring Jesus? Yes. 
Will other things draw my eyes away from Jesus this year? Yes. 
Will trials come that take away my affections for Jesus? Yes. 

God does not promise you a happy, easy, fantastic 2014 year. John 16:33 tells us that "in the world you will have tribulation." Thankfully, the story doesn't end there. "But take heart; I have overcome the world." We can endure trials and tribulation because Jesus Christ knew suffering. He became our substitute, took our place of shame, and endured the eternal wrath of God on our behalf. And because God was satisfied by the payment made, we are freely justified by his grace. Grace is not something we merit. It is something that God freely gives. We don't deserve anything in this life - clothes, a roof over our heads, accessibility to food, ways of transportation. The only thing we deserve is death. But our death has died on Calvary in the person of Jesus. So when we hear 'it is finished' we can jump up and say 'hallelujah!'

In light of this truth, how can we not seek to make Christ our treasure? If we can trust God to save us from eternal damnation, we can certainly trust him to guide us faithfully this year every step of the way. Christ is worth an entire life's affection and devotion. Will you make him your treasure this year?


(coming up next: an update on my recent trip to Turkey)