Lord my heart is yours.
I will trust with hands held high."
[annie.lawrence]
During our lives we tend to remember exactly where we were when certain "big" events happen. For example, we can probably all remember where we were when we first heard about the September 11th terrorist attacks. Or, for the 'older' folks, remembering where you were with JFK was assassinated. Well, it's been exactly a little over a year now since I had one of those big moments that I will never forget.
It was June 6, 2012. This was the second day during that week I took my hour long trip up to Baltimore. Except this trip would be a little different. This trip I was doing my 3 month scans which only consisted of a PET scan, to check for active cancer cells. I couldn't eat anything 6 hours or so before my test. This meant that around 5am that day, my mom came in my room with a pop tart which I ate as I was half asleep.
We got to Hopkins, found a wheelchair for me, and commenced on our journey to find where we were suppose to go. We went into the basement depths of Hopkins and all the walls were a nasty shade of yellow. I filled out all my patient information forms, and then the fun really began. I had the great privilege of drinking some nasty liquid, George - my PICC line - was flushed out and radiation sugar was injected. And then I sat. and sat. AND sat. for an hour and a half, with the lights turned off, no music or phone, blankets covered over me, and a stomach that was growling like a lion.
The point of sitting for an hour and a half was to let the radiation sugar do its work. Once injected in my body it would gravitate toward any active cancer cells in my body. When I was done sitting I was taken over to the large tunnel shaped machine, where I laid flat on my back for another hour or so as they did the two different scan parts. Then everything was magically finished, I was free to go, returned to my parents and swiftly went to Potbelly's down in the Baltimore Harbor to get food.
The next day I woke up, the sun was shining, and new mercies awaited. Although I do not remember the exact details of that day there is one moment I will remember forever. Mom and I were upstairs watching tv or something, and then her phone rang. It was my doctor, with the results of my PET scan. She said that everything looked good, the tumor had shrunk, and there was no sign of cancer activity.
I was healed.
Even though I knew God had healed me I still knew many other people who were going through difficult trials and don't have answers to their trials. So how do you hope in God, or trust in God when you don't have the answers. In the past few weeks I have been thinking about this concept. How do we hope in someone we have never seen?
We can hope because we have a living hope. Why does knowing this make a difference? His hope - God's living hope - will not fail and lasts eternally. For me, getting to rock bottom was getting to the point where all I could do is trust in God. There were times I thought that God didn't see the pain I was going through, times I thought God didn't love me because after all, who would want to love a sick girl. God sees, God knows, God loves us so much that he sent His one and only son to die for us. How can we not hope in him.
"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus." _Ephesians 2:4-7
Hoping in God is trusting in the sovereignty of God. Hoping in God is making Him your foundation. Some of us might be in a waiting period - waiting for answers, waiting for changes - but God has a reason for the specific waiting season that we are in. Take time to learn during this waiting period.
Last year wasn't something that I would ever want to go through again and I am thankful that God has healed me. But God taught me so much during that time, and is still teaching me things today. I can be weak, I can face daily disappointments, not because of anything I can do for myself, but because Jesus is strong. Our ability is anchored on what Jesus has already done. Since our security is in Christ we can live our lives for Him. And because of Jesus' finished work for me, everything I longed for in Christ, I already had.
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| June 7, 2013 |
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