Dear God, Thanks for Giving Me Cancer

"Though You slay me,
Yet I will praise You.
Though You take from me,
I will bless Your name."

[shane + shane]

Have you ever looked back on a year and thought to yourself, "Man. That was a crappy year"? Well, for me, that was 2012. From January to March I experienced symptoms from a disease I didn't know I had. At the end of March we found out it was cancer. We spent the next 6 months traveling to Hopkins for an intensive round of chemotherapy every other week. And on the non-treatment days we still went to Hopkins for blood work and doctors visits. Then, from October to December I was recovering and gaining back my energy and strength. If there was one word to sum up the year of 2012, it would be "cancer."

If I were to look back on the year of 2014, the one word I would use to describe the year would be "death." Some of the deaths personally affected me and my family, others affected close friends of ours, and others just made me question the sovereignty of God and why bad things happen.

Car accident involving middle school and high school students.

Cancer.

Brain Tumors.

Car accident leaving a 4th grader in a hospital with weeks of physical therapy.

Miscarriages.

Drunk driving car accident.

Stroke.

Cardiac Arrest. 

Heart Failure.

Plane crash into a house killing 3 passengers and a mom with 2 young children.

Death.

Let's be honest, suffering sucks and doesn't make sense. According to scripture, suffering began when Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:23-24). Human beings were not created to experience death, pain, grief, disappointment, ruptured relationships, disease. We were created to live in paradise. And with the hope of heaven, one day we will. 

There is a fine line between the difference sovereignty of God and the will of God. Yes, as a Christian I know that God is sovereign over everything, but is it in God's will, God's plan, for a sophomore in high school to die in a car accident? I think the important thing to understand is that suffering is both just and unjust. God is also both a sovereign and a suffering God. 

My famous friend Tim Keller once wrote that, "Jesus' suffering and death was a great act of injustice, but it was also part of the set plan of God." God is the sovereign ruler over all the world. But the same sovereign God, sent Jesus to earth to become a human so that he would die a cruel death on a cross for the redemption of His people. If Jesus hadn't taken our place on the cross, enduring the wrath of God, there would be no hope of heaven. See, God's plan might include bad things, but ultimately there are no accidents.

Instead of focusing on the sufferings of 2014, I am choosing to look back on this year and remember the good things God has done.

Operation Bunny Bunny

In January some friends and other members of my church, hopped on a plane and went on a top secret mission to a land where everything was covered in honey and flowed of freshly squeezed pomegranate juice on every corner.

Met new friends who became family

In May, I met a group of new friends. They are mostly all college-age students, from a variety of different churches in the area, who are on fire for Jesus. Memorial Day weekend, 60+ people crammed in two beach houses in Nags Head and the rest was history. Now, I can't imagine my life without knowing these people.

Dominican Republic

Being on the youth administrative team for my church, I was able to travel with a team of youthlings to the Dominican Republic for a missions trip and some site seeing. We spent a week in Santiago partnering with a local church doing Vacation Bible School lessons for street kids and in neighborhoods near families from the church. Every day we were exhausted, and the language barrier didn't help. But every day we experienced God's grace and blessing in ways that we couldn't have imagined. We saw young kids give their lives to God, ask deep questions about faith, and were able to plant Gospel seeds in Santiago. Within a week, acquaintances from the local church soon became dear friends who we will never forget.

the daily game of "how many people can we fit in a van?"

best VBS group ever

dominican son

Engagements + Weddings

This was definitely the year of engagements and weddings. As Carrie Underwood would say, "there must have been something in the water." But seriously. Next year is going to be awesome. 

So, why the title "Dear God, Thanks for Giving Me Cancer"? Well, in April one of my dear friends found out she had a cancerous brain tumor. She has had a few surgeries and will have to undergo chemo treatments. But a few months ago, after finding out some not so good news from the doctor, she came up to me and said, "You know Andi, you're the one that has kept me going through this time. Knowing that you made it through cancer helps me at every doctors appointment and every blood transfusion."

I don't tell you this story to make much of myself. But I tell you this story to show the power of God working through suffering. It's taken me 2 1/2 years to understand why God gave me cancer. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. But I do know that in the midst of trials and suffering, God is doing something good and there is always something to be thankful for. 

You may have had a crappy year just like me. But I encourage you to look back on this year with gratefulness and thankfulness and remember all the blessings God has given you. "Though You slay me, yet I will praise You. Though You take from me, I will bless Your name." And maybe one day you will look back on your trials and say, "Dear God, thanks for ______" despite how painful your suffering was. Why? Because God is more powerful than cancer, death, and suffering.

"Nothing Lit Up"

"Standing on this mountaintop,
Looking just how far we've come.
Knowing that for every step,
You were with us."
[matt.redman]

I remember it was a Wednesday. I was laying in my parent's bed feeling sick and nauseous. 

I was a third of the way done with treatment and had just completed my first PET scan a few days before. For the PET scan they injected me with radiation sugar and I had the privilege of drinking nasty contrast. I sat for an hour and a half, in complete darkness, and allowed the radiation sugar to do it's work. The doctors explained to my uneducated medical brain that if there were any cancer cells in my body, the radiation sugar would gravitate to it. And when I had the actually scan, the active cancer cells would light up like a christmas tree.

As I was laying in my parent's bed my mom's phone rang.

"Andi. It's the doctor."

"Hello?"

"Hi Andi. It's Doctor K. I just wanted to call and let you know that we got the results from your PET scan. Nothing lit up and it looks like the tumor has shrunk."

She continued to explain that I would still have to continue treatment because it was just like taking antibiotics for a cold - even though you feel better, you have to finish out the prescription. We hung up the phone and the tears of gratefulness started to pour. My mom immediately called my dad and other family members and I started texting friends. 

I knew that because I had to still continue treatments I wasn't in complete remission yet. But that doesn't really matter. I will always remember this day as the day that God healed me. In less than 2 months of intense chemo and sickness, it was God that removed all active cancer cells from my body. Not just some of them, all of them. 

It's difficult to understand why God allows some to be healed while others fight until their last breath. It doesn't make sense to me that God would heal me. But honestly, I don't think I will ever understand God's plan this side of eternity. What good does it do for me to question the way God works? Instead, it is better to be grateful for what God has given me and use my life serving Him and loving others.

"Why dost thou worry thyself? What use can thy fretting serve? Thou art on board a vessel which thou couldst not steer even if the great Captain put thee at the helm, of which thou couldst not so much as reef a sail. Yet thou worriest as if thou wert captain and helmsman. Oh, be quiet; God is Master!" [streams in the desert]

Looking back on the past two years, if there was one thing to emphasize, I would remind you that God never leaves us. Sure. Those of us who have grown up in a Christian home know the right thing to say during trials is to "not worry. God has a plan and he will never leave you." Well speaking from experience, it is definitely harder to believe that when you are walking through a trial.

But the truth is that never once will God leave you on your own. Never once will he leave you to walk your trial alone. Even when your days seem dark and without hope and you might not be able to "see" God or feel His presence, He is always with you, guiding you, every step of the way.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." _Deuteronomy 31:8

New Year = New You

"And if I should live or die
Let me be found pursuing this prize
The One that alone satisfies
The treasure of Jesus."
[steven.curtis.chapman]

Although I am a bit late to join the bandwagon of "New Year's blog posts," here we go.

New Year's Eve has always been about gathering with family and friends, remembering everything that happened the previous year, counting your blessings, and anticipating what the next year has in store for you. With another year also brings a new round of anticipated New Year's resolutions we won't keep, despite how hard we try. Resolutions range from wanting to lose weight, go to the gym multiple times a week, get a 4.0 GPA, clean out your house, give money to the needy, or serve more in your local church. All of these are excellent temporary resolutions. But in reality, all of our earthy possessions and resolutions will one day be no more.

That is why my "New Year's resolution" is simple: to treasure Jesus.

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I might gain Christ and be found in him." _Philippians 3:7-8

Treasuring Jesus means seeing the surpassing greatness of Jesus Christ over everything else - over relationships, over money, over the perfect body, over everything. When you treasure Jesus you are denying yourself and no longer living for yourself, but living for Jesus. You are surrendering everything for Christ - no strings attached - because seeking and savoring Jesus is your greatest pleasure.

Am I a sinful human? Yes. 
Will I fail at treasuring Jesus? Yes. 
Will other things draw my eyes away from Jesus this year? Yes. 
Will trials come that take away my affections for Jesus? Yes. 

God does not promise you a happy, easy, fantastic 2014 year. John 16:33 tells us that "in the world you will have tribulation." Thankfully, the story doesn't end there. "But take heart; I have overcome the world." We can endure trials and tribulation because Jesus Christ knew suffering. He became our substitute, took our place of shame, and endured the eternal wrath of God on our behalf. And because God was satisfied by the payment made, we are freely justified by his grace. Grace is not something we merit. It is something that God freely gives. We don't deserve anything in this life - clothes, a roof over our heads, accessibility to food, ways of transportation. The only thing we deserve is death. But our death has died on Calvary in the person of Jesus. So when we hear 'it is finished' we can jump up and say 'hallelujah!'

In light of this truth, how can we not seek to make Christ our treasure? If we can trust God to save us from eternal damnation, we can certainly trust him to guide us faithfully this year every step of the way. Christ is worth an entire life's affection and devotion. Will you make him your treasure this year?


(coming up next: an update on my recent trip to Turkey)

1 year || Giving Back

"Jesus I sing for,
All that you've done for me."
[jeremy.riddle]


A Mouse told his mother and father that he was going on a trip to the seashore.
"We are very alarmed!" they cried. "The world is full of terrors. You must not go!"
"I have made my decision," said the Mouse firmly. "I have never seen the ocean, and it is high time that I did. Nothing can make me change my mind."
"Then we cannot stop you," said Mother and Father Mouse, "but do be careful!"
The next day, in the first light of dawn, the Mouse began his journey. Even before the morning had ended, the Mouse came to know trouble and fear.
A Cat jumped out from behind a tree.
"I will eat you for lunch," he said.
It was a narrow escape for the Mouse. He ran for his life, but he left a part of his tail in the mouth of the Cat.
By the afternoon the Mouse slowly climbed the last hill and saw the seashore spreading out before him. He watched the waves rolling onto the beach, one after another. All the colors of the sunset filled the sky.
"How beautiful!" cried the Mouse. "I with that Mother and Father were here to see this with me."
The moon and the stars began to appear over the ocean. The Mouse sat silently on the top of the hill. He was overwhelmed by a feeling of deep peace and contentment. [Fables, Arnold Lobel]

One year of:

• A journey I thought I couldn't handle.
• Sickness I thought I wouldn't get through
• Trusting, hoping, and praying for a miracle
• Complete remission

I could tell you all about how this past year was one of the hardest years of my life. But I could also tell you that in this past year I have been completely healed and what I am doing to give back to the community.

Autism is a "neurological disorder that impairs and individual's ability to communicate, form relationships with others, and relate to their surroundings" (autismspeaks.org). Autism now affects 1 in 88 children, and 1 in 54 boys. It is the fastest growing serious developmental disability in the United States and more children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes, and cancer combined. And unfortunately, there is no medical detection or cure for autism.

So, why am I sharing this with you? I have the privilege to be apart of the Council for Exceptional Children, Towson USG chapter. On Saturday, students from the Towson program are going down to Washington DC to walk for Autism Speaks.

I am typically not that person who asks for donations from people, but as a group we are trying to raise money that will benefit Autism Speaks for future research. Check out the Autism Speaks website to see why this is such an important issue, and consider donating to our effort of promoting autism awareness. Even if it is one dollar, every little bit counts in the long run.

All the miles of a hard road are worth a moment of true happiness.
That is why I am choosing to walk for Autism Speaks.

New Friends + New Places

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says 
to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'"
[c.s.lewis]

Friendship is an amazing concept to me. I am extremely grateful for all the friends I have made in the 9 1/2 years of being in Maryland. But if you were to ask me where I met all these people or how we became such good friends, I honestly couldn't give you an answer. Maybe it's just that my brain is getting old. But this new friend, I remember meeting like it was yesterday.

To begin this story we need to time travel all the way back to 2004. We had just moved and we were beginning our school year. Leo was going into 7th grade and I was going into 9th grade. We were so incredibly blessed to make friends from the very start. Why is this part of the story relevant? Well, since 7th grade Leo has had four really close friends, and one of those friends is Riley.

Fast forward to March 2012. It was the weekend we had just found out I was sick and I had come back home. It was also the last weekend of the annual Youth Drama play. I was standing in the back of the auditorium talking with some friends when all of a sudden Riley comes over to me excitedly. [side note: since I had been away at school for a year and a half I didn't really talk to many of Leo's friends. So having Riley purposefully come over to talk to me was a little strange.] Anyways, he came over to me, enthusiastically said "Hi Andi. This is my girlfriend Kelsey." Before I could properly introduce myself and say "Hi. It's nice to meet you" Riley saw someone else he knew and rushed over to introduce Kelsey to them.

After our brief introduction I didn't see much of her that summer. She lives up in Pennsylvania, so she only comes and visits every few weeks. But when she did come down it was typically during an admin weekend and she would graciously help us out, even though she didn't have to at all. She came to help at our annual youth retreat last August, she has come to several monthly youth meetings, she has used her exceptional decorating skills to help make a boring gymnasium beautiful for our Junior/Senior banquet in the spring, she has even been gracious when the guys on the admin team joke around with her. [Kelsey Farmer. dum-da-dum-da-dum-dum-dum]

Kelsey had always come down to visit us, so I thought it was about time that someone other than Riley go up to Pennsylvania to visit her for the weekend. We ate sushi, painted our nails, watched a movie, had a photo shoot at Longwood Gardens (seriously the best place ever), made curtains and suffered from sharpie highs at their youth meeting, and over all had an excellent bonding experience. We talked about anything and everything. Her family and friends were generous and kind [who knew that people not from the south could be kind?!] And by the end of the weekend, I was known as "Kelsey's friend from Maryland... who wasn't Riley."

Being at Longwood gardens almost felt like you were in a Jane Austin movie. It was that beautiful. If you are ever in West Chester I highly recommend you go here. We only spent maybe two hours there and didn't even see everything. I'm pretty sure you could spend an entire day there.

The thing I loved about Longwood Gardens was the variety of places you could go. They have a conservatory, a meadow, a bell tower, small waterfalls, multiple garden areas, and being there is extremely breath-taking. Some of you may not be "nature people" and that's okay. You should still go visit, because even the bathrooms are cool. Only at Longwood Gardens will you see plants growing on walls as you walk to the bathrooms. If that isn't an excuse for you to go visit, I don't know what else is.

Kelsey - I loved coming up to visit you despite my crazy school semester. Thanks for showing me Longwood, modeling for an impromptu photo shoot, protecting me from humiliation when we went to get our sandwiches, and dragging me around to all of your admin events. The weekend was too short, but I am so glad that you are dating one of my brother's best friends, which allows you to come down and visit every month.

Until our next adventure together...

Sweet Southern Hospitality

"Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends."
[1cor13:7-8]


I have lived in Maryland for almost 10 years now and I have come to the conclusion that you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl. Everything is so much better in the south. People are laid back, super kind, and if you don't say "yes ma'am" or "no sir" then you would get a talking to.

Growing up I have been blessed to have many adopted family friends. This particular story begins a very long time ago when my dad went to high school with this girl named Peggy. My parents started dating and mom and Peggy became very good friends. They been together through the good times, and the bad times. They been there for each other during moves and kids. Let's just say they are live long friends.

When I came along into this world, for some reason I "named" this family friend Mimi. At the time we were in Roanoke, she and her kids lived in West Virginia. They would visit often and I remember her youngest daughter Mandi would teach me how to do cartwheels down the hallway. We would also go on many adventures. We went to the Roanoke Express hockey games (which aren't in existence now) and mix popcorn with M&Ms and peanuts, and also went to several baseball games.

Fast forward to Christmas 2011. Mimi and her husband David had been living in Frederick, Maryland for quite some time. This particular year all of her kids and grandkids came to their house for Christmas. My parents and I went up one evening and we had dinner together and enjoyed each other's company and also played an intense game of Apples to Apples. This was the first time I met John. For the most part he seemed nice, and he was certainly one of those guys who wasn't afraid to be involved in the family activities.

To make a long story short, John and Mandi fell in love, got engaged, and just recently got married. We had the great privilege to drive 8 very long hours to a little mountain town called Banner Elk to participate in this exciting event. During non-wedding events my parents and I did some sight-seeing around town, but the wedding was one of the most thrilling parts, and the setting couldn't have been more perfect.

The wedding itself was small and cozy. There couldn't have been more than 60 people there. The ceremony was short, but that didn't stop a chorus of tears and sobs to happen. I don't think I have ever been to a wedding where there were so many sniffles holding back the tears. Even poor Mandi and John had trouble getting through their vows.

The wedding decorations were simple yet elegant and Mandi and John thought of everything. They had mason jar glasses for guests to take home as favors, toiletry items in the bathroom if guests needed them. They even had a fire specifically for roasting marshmellows and making s'mores.

 Besides everything being so perfect, the company couldn't have been better. For part of the evening they had a country band playing music, and my oh my did people's southern, country roots come out.

If something went wrong during the evening you wouldn't have known it. Mandi and John had smiles on their faces the entire night. They were calm, and nothing in the world could have ruined the moment.

Having adopted families is one of the best things someone could have. Of course your immediate family is the best thing you could have, but having those people in your life who are more than just friends and acquaintances, who will support you through your darkest storm, who love you just as much as your immediate family is an incredible blessing.

Panda, I am so incredibly blessed to be your little sister. Every day I thank God that He allowed our parents to meet so very long ago and that they became life-long friends. John, I know without a doubt that you are the right man for my sister. I am so happy that you are in our family and am excited to get to know you better - and taste more of your awesome cooking ;)